Recently, I’ve noticed something that I don’t like. I’ve started to become competitive in school. Grades have always been important to me, but I’ve never really felt like I had to compete to get them. Now, in order to compete, I feel like I have to be selfish and protective – two qualities I’m not fond of. Since we’re graded at the end of each class, I feel like I have to get the best ingredients (because they’re not always the freshest), gather the right pots and pan (because there’s a shortage), and be extra protective of my stuff (because sometimes it gets lost or stolen). Each class has become like a competition, but the question I have to ask is who am I competing against? I’m afraid that it might be me against myself.

In high school, I played doubles. I abhorred singles because I didn’t like working alone. In doubles, I was part of a team. It took a while for us to really become a team – to anticipate each other’s moves and work together. But we succeeded and to me, that was the biggest payoff. Throughout my career, I’ve always worked on a team. Working with people who had different strengths made us stronger and more effective. It was rewarding and invigorating at the same time.

But in school, we don’t work as a team. We are individuals working in the same environment, each trying to do our best. Lately it seems like tempers are shorter, and it’s easier to be frustrated with one another. I’ve noticed I’m more selfish in class and not as generous as I used to be. When someone asks if they can borrow a knife, I hesitate for a moment. When they ask how to do something, I remain quiet. Why is that? I’m not normally like that, nor do I want to continue this course of behavior. These are my closest friends in Paris. Why am I behaving this way?

Perhaps I do know the answer – I alluded to it above. When I placed last term, I was completely taken by surprise. I had felt like I performed well, but I had no idea that it was enough to place in both cuisine and pastry. And here’s something I really don’t want to admit: placing is really important to me. Now that I’m in Superior, the heat is on so to speak. I feel pressure to perform just as well or better. For me, it would be embarrassing if I didn’t do as well. But no one is putting this pressure on me – it’s me putting the pressure on myself.

So why can’t I just stop? Why can’t I just flip a switch and go back to the normal Tse? When I applied to Le Cordon Bleu, I wrote in my letter of motivation that I wanted the whole experience – living in another country, experiencing the culture, learning from the masters. Is my new competitive streak preventing me from experiencing all Paris has to offer? Perhaps.

I know there are more important things to worry about than grades. But for me, my grades are paramount. Will I care five years from now about them? Probably not. Will future employers or clients ask me? Nope, I don’t think so.

We were given our mid-term grades recently. I was shocked by my pastry grade. I thought I was doing rather well when in reality, my grade was average. Now when I walk into each class, I feel like I have to outperform everyone else in the room. I don’t want to feel that way, but I don’t know how to stop. I think my ambition is getting the best of me and somehow instead of driving me forward, it’s controlling my every move.

My cuisine grade blew me away too – but in a good way. I was surprised to say the least. And pleased. But I thought pastry was supposed to be my strongest subject. Why am I doing so much better in cuisine than pastry? Does this mean I have to choose between the two? No, but it certainly makes me wonder. Maybe my strength lies in cuisine. But I certainly don’t intend to give up on pastry yet.

It’s time to choose our internships. I’ve decided to start with cuisine. I meet with Chef Terrien Tuesday to discuss my options. In a restaurant, I’ll be working as a team. Perhaps my competitive steak will dissipate then. I at least look forward to finding out!

By the way, if you have any advice, I’m all ears!

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