What bandage-making company wouldn’t want to sponsor me? I’m a budding, young (well, sort of) chef busting her behind in a three-star restaurant. You couldn’t find someone more interesting than that. Well maybe a professional sports player, but I’m a better deal. Plus I’m always sporting a bandage or two during each week.

I’ve become quite the expert at burning myself. Years from now people will ask me what I really learned in France, and I’ll say, “I learned how to burn myself at least once a week.” But what’s even better, is I know how to take care of a burn. The knowledge I have could fill a book or two. Perhaps bandage companies want a spokesperson who is published, although it might make from some rather dull, dry reading.

This week I managed to give myself a nasty burn on the arm. I’m embarrassed to admit I wasn’t doing anything interesting – I was just trying to scoop some last remaining tripe from an unusually hot pan for lunch. Number one, I hate tripe. And despite the fact that it smells worse than it looks, I was willing to give it another try. But the fact that I touched the side of the pan with my arm, audibly searing the flesh, made me lose my appetite.

I’ve burned myself so many times, that I just casually looked at it and continued doing something else. Little did I know it would turn into a festering, puss yielding wound a couple days later. Thank goodness my cupboards at home look like a pharmacy. I have every conceivable ointment, cream, spray and bandage you could ever want. It also helps that I have a friend staying with me so she can play nurse on a nightly basis, rewrapping the bandage with tender loving care.

But this bandage thing is getting expensive. That’s why I need a sponsor. I’d even be willing to lose some weight and wear some makeup once in a while. Once I’m finished with my internship, I could do a tour, promoting the bandage company worldwide and showing off my skills at wrapping and caring for burns. Cuts are a different story though. The company would have to get themselves another poster child for that.

When I do run low on supplies, I make a trek for the pharmacy in my neighborhood. They know me by sight now, and instead of saying, “Bonjour” they ask me what I’ve done now. The only problem is bandages only come 10 per box. With the damage I do, I need a Costco box, perhaps two. But the French don’t believe in selling things in large quantities, so I make do with several boxes at once.

So if anyone has any connections in the bandage world or knows of a company looking for an up-and-coming star, send them my way. I promise to make their company proud!

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